Beautiful essay, Bowen. As a 39 year old man without children, I contemplate this subject a lot. You've given me a lot to think about. Please continue your excellent writing.
I’ve had such a different experience around masculinity and Patriarchy. I’m sure it has to do with my Dad being 30 years older than Mom, the violence I witnessed by my mother toward him. The levels of complexity are staggering. I only more recently discovered that Dad wasn’t my biological father. I’m over 60 now and never had any children. My sister and two brothers never had any kids either. I’m grateful not to have had any kids. Ironically, as a psychotherapist I focus on helping children. I married late and grateful to have a loving partner in life.
Hi Bowen, I was gathering my thoughts to send you a proper answer. Thank you for sharing such a personal viewpoint on this common struggle between men and women. I too have blamed men, including my ex-husband, for not wanting children with me, or not wanting them young enough. I think we can do a better job at trying to understand men's perspective and men's hearts - and this vulnerable essay is a piece of gold for many of us. 💙
While I have read several articles or essays on why women choose childlessness, this is the first I have read written by a man on why he chose childlessness. It seems honest and I appreciate the thoughtfulness it took to write it.
“It’s not that we are reluctant to commit because we are men, it’s that some of us are unwilling to commit to the untenable bargain offered by patriarchal society.”
So many things touched me in this essay Bobo (love that I know that now 😉)
My issue with becoming a father was that I couldn’t get past the standard idea of marriage. I’d seen it fail in so many of my friends’ lives I couldn’t see it for myself. 🤷🏻♂️
Thanks for the pointer to the wonderful and honest reflection.
I’m glad I stumbled on this essay today. I’m 36 - that maelstrom age for ‘do I want to be a mother?’ - especially as my 45 year old partner doesn’t want more kids.
It really helped to read the male perspective on this, and to see the similarities with how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am suppressing some basic desire; right now I feel more grief for potentially choosing an ‘unconventional life’ than I do not having kids. Learning more about the stats here too makes me realise it’s not as ‘outside’ a choice as I thought. Thank you, so much more to explore here.
This is a topic I could write volumes. A couple burning questions I have are what is the force that makes bloodline so powerful? How could we read the morning paper about a child being abducted and later on ask what’s for lunch when if was our own we would be devastated for life? What does that say about adopted children? The other parent of our children is not a blood relative, well maybe in Arkansas. I’m not telling you it’s not too late but that there are opportunities to experience fatherhood. Maybe a partner that is a single parent or is a grandparent? Maybe a strong argument for polyamory? I have two daughters and two grandsons and for me it has been equally difficult and rewarding. 1-1=0 just maybe 🤔
As a father of two in my early 30s, the quote below from your essay resonates with me deeply.
“Patriarchy taught us that we are not really men until we accumulate wealth, marry, and have children. We have to earn the right to call ourselves men, and so, by these same criteria, we are not yet men until we become fathers. The catch is that if I have to become a father to become a man, then I have to give up much of my still-unformed self in service to family in order to become that sort of man.“
I have no regrets about fatherhood, and at the same time I know now that I marched forward with the naive yet perhaps subconscious notion that I would figure out manhood as I go. But wow, it ain’t that easy. Having to play a lot of catch up that I wish I had foreseen a decade earlier, which may still not have been enough time to expose myself to all the necessary experiences and deliberate challenges it takes to reach a confident/semi-autonomous level of manhood. There is always hope, of course, for all men in what they want to achieve, whether as fathers or otherwise. And it’s writings and reflections such as yours that help us get there, thanks!
Thank you for sharing this with me today. You handled a difficult topic with grace, honesty and self- compassion. Societal expectations can cause a lot of harmful pressure and I'm glad you found the path that felt right for you.
Beautiful essay, Bowen. As a 39 year old man without children, I contemplate this subject a lot. You've given me a lot to think about. Please continue your excellent writing.
I’ve had such a different experience around masculinity and Patriarchy. I’m sure it has to do with my Dad being 30 years older than Mom, the violence I witnessed by my mother toward him. The levels of complexity are staggering. I only more recently discovered that Dad wasn’t my biological father. I’m over 60 now and never had any children. My sister and two brothers never had any kids either. I’m grateful not to have had any kids. Ironically, as a psychotherapist I focus on helping children. I married late and grateful to have a loving partner in life.
Hi Bowen, I was gathering my thoughts to send you a proper answer. Thank you for sharing such a personal viewpoint on this common struggle between men and women. I too have blamed men, including my ex-husband, for not wanting children with me, or not wanting them young enough. I think we can do a better job at trying to understand men's perspective and men's hearts - and this vulnerable essay is a piece of gold for many of us. 💙
While I have read several articles or essays on why women choose childlessness, this is the first I have read written by a man on why he chose childlessness. It seems honest and I appreciate the thoughtfulness it took to write it.
Very interesting.
“It’s not that we are reluctant to commit because we are men, it’s that some of us are unwilling to commit to the untenable bargain offered by patriarchal society.”
So many things touched me in this essay Bobo (love that I know that now 😉)
My issue with becoming a father was that I couldn’t get past the standard idea of marriage. I’d seen it fail in so many of my friends’ lives I couldn’t see it for myself. 🤷🏻♂️
Thanks for the pointer to the wonderful and honest reflection.
I’m glad I stumbled on this essay today. I’m 36 - that maelstrom age for ‘do I want to be a mother?’ - especially as my 45 year old partner doesn’t want more kids.
It really helped to read the male perspective on this, and to see the similarities with how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am suppressing some basic desire; right now I feel more grief for potentially choosing an ‘unconventional life’ than I do not having kids. Learning more about the stats here too makes me realise it’s not as ‘outside’ a choice as I thought. Thank you, so much more to explore here.
This is a topic I could write volumes. A couple burning questions I have are what is the force that makes bloodline so powerful? How could we read the morning paper about a child being abducted and later on ask what’s for lunch when if was our own we would be devastated for life? What does that say about adopted children? The other parent of our children is not a blood relative, well maybe in Arkansas. I’m not telling you it’s not too late but that there are opportunities to experience fatherhood. Maybe a partner that is a single parent or is a grandparent? Maybe a strong argument for polyamory? I have two daughters and two grandsons and for me it has been equally difficult and rewarding. 1-1=0 just maybe 🤔
As a father of two in my early 30s, the quote below from your essay resonates with me deeply.
“Patriarchy taught us that we are not really men until we accumulate wealth, marry, and have children. We have to earn the right to call ourselves men, and so, by these same criteria, we are not yet men until we become fathers. The catch is that if I have to become a father to become a man, then I have to give up much of my still-unformed self in service to family in order to become that sort of man.“
I have no regrets about fatherhood, and at the same time I know now that I marched forward with the naive yet perhaps subconscious notion that I would figure out manhood as I go. But wow, it ain’t that easy. Having to play a lot of catch up that I wish I had foreseen a decade earlier, which may still not have been enough time to expose myself to all the necessary experiences and deliberate challenges it takes to reach a confident/semi-autonomous level of manhood. There is always hope, of course, for all men in what they want to achieve, whether as fathers or otherwise. And it’s writings and reflections such as yours that help us get there, thanks!
Thank you for sharing this with me today. You handled a difficult topic with grace, honesty and self- compassion. Societal expectations can cause a lot of harmful pressure and I'm glad you found the path that felt right for you.
Happy new year 🥳